Notes on Forgiveness
Last month, almost exactly a month ago actually, I went through a heart-break in my relationship. The high and low of it was that my partner told me about something that within the context of our relationship I should have and could have safely known about from day-1.
For an entire week we went through a rollercoaster of relief, pain, shame, fear, being on the verge of breaking up, gut wrenching heart ache, vulnerability, healing, receiving, breaking old patterns… In the beginning I started off feeling “how can I forgive being lied to? Being betrayed?” which turned into “When faced with mistakes, what does it mean to be forgiving and forgiven? What is the power of forgiveness in healing and growth?”
To be real as fuck, I’ve done more things I would care to admit in relationships that I didn’t want my partners at the time to know about because I didn’t know how to face the shame and judgement I felt I would receive. I’m not condoning this, I don’t think that hiding or lying or being secretive was beneficial to me, my relationships, my needs or theirs. But in being faced with the reality of the answer to “why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I realized the answer “I was scared and ashamed.” was full and complete and at times is an experience that is all consuming.
After my own pain and fear and heart-ache subsided I had to sit with myself in a very confronting way and ask myself, “If I was brave enough to share something that I only hid out of shame or fear, how would I want and need to be treated in order to integrate this? To feel safe in my relationship? To feel worthy of continuing to grow and be myself.” The answer I kept coming back to was forgiveness.
There is of course the cliche of “forgive and forget” or perhaps forgive and don’t forget, or whatever version you find yourself resonating with. I’m not sure they really correlate in the way we are taught. They are not inherently linked, nor necessary to each other so much as exist in the same playing field of life as strangers who order the same thing from the coffee shop every day. Often we are told to forget our hurts in order to more on from them, in order to engage with forgiveness. And on another hand, we’re told that in order to forgive in a way that serves you to never be hurt again you must never forget.
Forgetting happens without us knowing it; it is something we eventually become blind to and unbothered by. Forgetting like this is seeing the scar but not remembering the wound. We know that we have learned lessons, gained stories. Not all of it must remain a constant presence within us in order to do its work effectively. Often forgetting is the emollient of time that allows us to continue on.
In life I have learned to be very forgiving - sometimes too much so. At other times, not at all. The times I did not forgive were always wounds that scarred worse, took longer to heal, and instilled me with worry for future actions. Non-forgiveness inhibited my life more than forgiveness ever did. Ultimately, though, all real (or at least impactful) forgiveness has to come with boundaries. This is what I found the hardest in all of this - what boundaries did I actually need? Especially when faced with a break-down of trust, in a new situation, I realized I don’t always know what I need to heal. What I need to be safe moving forward. Because even if I do, how do I know it will be met?
Within this I realized that something we don’t often look at within forgiveness is looking beyond trust for a person (whether it be ourselves or another) but trust in what we believe in. In our values, spiritually, communally… I actually couldn’t at face value trust just my partner at this moment, and I also was finding it really hard to trust myself too. But when sinking into my body, into the depth of these incredibly challenging and confronting situations I realized there was trust there.
Instead of for what was right in front of me, it was for what was all around me. Trust for the process. Trust for the timing. Trust for the lessons. Trust in the universe. Trust in all the times I really hated what was happening around me (or within me) and how inevitably EVERY SINGLE TIME it led me to something better. Something necessary.
I learned I had to let go of knowing what would work, what wouldn’t, how to fix or arrange or whatever. I had to completely surrender to what my body was telling me and what everything I’ve cultivated in belief was allowing me. This is where I found forgiveness. In the raw, present truth that we are all vessels for the truth of the universe. That something within me and my own experience was being reflected back at me. That I truly believe all of us are worthy of love even in our fear, our mis-steps, our shame-led choices. That if I would one day, inevitably in the human of myself and my existence want forgiveness and to be witnessed as loveable in what I thought was the basis of my own human flaw - that if I would on this day want forgiveness, I would also need to understand what it is that I was asking for. That perhaps this was a moment of teaching it.
I’m not saying this is true for all things at all times. I’m not saying we can continue to let harmful patterns repeat hinged on the efforts of forgiveness, and I do believe that while mistakes come from choices we make, there is a difference between making a choice for self-preservation and self-absolution (which is to say something we choose because we believe in that moment that choice will keep us the most safe vs making a choice because we have in some way absolved ourselves of the responsibility of our actions).
Ultimately what happened is that my heart actually got bigger. My relationship became more expansive. My compassion grew deeper. My ability to communicate and share my own experiences and feelings has become more powerful. My trust, while in some ways will take time to heal, also loosened many unnecessary grips of control that were keeping me locked into a place I didn’t really want because it was something I was comfortable knowing.
In forgiving I became braver, kinder, softer, wiser.
In not forgiving I would have forfeited more than just a relationship; I would have acquiesced many of my deepest held values for pettiness and revenge and fear - none of which I truly care about, all of which felt protective in my minds hands as I considered my options for moving forward.
Alongside this, I want to also say there are many people I have forgiven privately and quietly within myself. Not all forgiveness needs to be emboldened or validated by continued relationships. Not all forgiveness expands us, sometimes it merely just saves us. But I do believe in it as a salve for most things. For a long time my highest held value was integrity. Through this experience I feel I have realized that what I have held the highest and what has actually been the most necessary are different. For me, right now, forgiveness is the utmost important value. It extends beyond an idea of how I want to live my life and permeates the reality of my daily choices. It softens me in places I feel depleted from protecting. It straightens me in places I feel broken. It supports me in places I feel weak and scared.
In a way, this in-loving-heart-break was a powerful and humbling release from the numbing binds of my own self-restraint. It held me in ways that joy couldn’t bear to witness and allowed me to step into the breadth of my own humanity without shame or a need to hide. Since, I have everyday asked myself where and what I can forgive and this singular contemplation has brought me a depth of peace that a gratitude list has never endeavoured to touch upon.