A List of Facts About Myself
Inspired by a long train ride and finishing Little Weirds by Jenny Slate
I love that I can love my sad self
I am very beautiful when I cry sometimes
My heart is a plum, rich & deep & needing to ripen and I want someone to bite it in half then finger out the pit very gently and then open their chest at the soft spot between their ribs and take this very small pit to plant into something fertile within themselves
I want the fruit of this planting to be shared with me; I hope it is a hybrid of something almost illegal in reality. I want this fruit to be golden yellow.
something I just need to let myself lay on the floor and be very feeling and not worry about time
I do not really want a life with children of my own but if I did have children it would only be a child and they would be a daughter and I would not fucking her up by abandoning her or being emotionally far away or projecting who I want to be onto her - I would only fuck her up by loving her too much
the thought of losing my husband before me makes me very sad; because of the loss but also because we certainly had a very beautiful life & I am actually very scared I will not have a husband to share my beautiful life with
I like telling lies to strangers who are bothering me who seem to not care they are bothering me
I also like to tell the truth to strangers that are bothering me - specifically that I do not like the way they are treating me & I wish for them to leave me alone out loud to their faces
I really love trains & want to write whole book just riding a train and drinking kind of bad wine
sometimes I want to teach people a lesson even though that is not my job because sometimes it seems like they believe they are right and very untouchable in their rightness and I happen to know this is not true
I love being loved in public, I love holding hands and forgetting about everyone else at the bar and touching legs in a way that feels secret
the best way to get dressed is to know what colour I am feeling & what character of myself I feel like playing
I sometimes wish I needed glasses just so I could have a little window between my soul & the world but I also cherish my perfect vision & am not willing to give it up so much as I am willing to lie about needing glasses and wear ones with fake lenses
I get very scared I won’t have enough to give; in fact having enough to give is one of my deepest core needs
I am trying to not be scared about being my mother so much, so I can be excited about being myself
sometimes I fantasize about being cruel and violent because I am worried I will need to prove myself to the world & be really tough but then I remember being touch is sticking to my values and those thoughts actually come from feeling weak
I fall in love so easily & I always want to be that way & feel too much & overshare the desires of this well-sunned plum-heart
I always want to fall asleep and wake up next to someone but I do not always wish to share a bed and I find this stranger but also accept it fully because to me, it feels sense
I want to make my coffee first but I will always make their coffee first & sometimes this is not a necessary act of selflessness but when I see the smile at getting the first coffee it makes me need mine less & sometimes it tastes better because I have already learned in the day I am very fully of love and very willing to give this love
I want to only wear soft things but also only want to feel fabulous in what I am wearing
I get very nervous about finding bathrooms in places & even if there are many next to each other or 100 stalls I will almost always use the same one I found the first time, even if it means waiting when I don’t have to wait or even if I am in a place at a different time than when the original time I used the bathroom for the first time is
I have a hard time letting go of love but also holding onto it. I do not desire to be in charge of it so much as I do not want to be in charge of me. Love will not loosen its grip on me if I let it go too deep in me, and if there is no natural resolution. At some point I learned to run away from love when I saw it was too deep because it would colour me the colour of that person for years; even as a child in grade 3 I held hands with a boy on a field trip to pioneer village and we made instrumental triangles together & I did not see him all summer or even go to the same school after that but I held onto that love until grade 6, and in grade 7 I fell in love with a boy who I loved until I was out of highschool. And there were also many loves between all of that, too; and it was also a faraway love and I do not regret learning this but now I want love to hold my feet & make plans with me every sunday & to be very close and to hold my face next to it and not even worry about what colour I am becoming.