Sorting: How I Make Sense of Challenging Conversations
Sometimes there is an accumulation that has come upon you so fast and suddenly there is a moment and you didn’t realize it was so full. That you were so full. There is a fissure of pressure that breaks through whatever crack in composure it can find and there is always a “why did it get so big” or “how did it happen so fast” moment and of course there are signs but they are signs like many other signs and they become difficult to listen to or discern or maybe I am just scared.
So yes, I get into fights and things build up in me not matter how hard I try to not let them and one thing becomes many things so many things because this what has been touched upon is a piece of a much larger picture. So everything comes up in droves and it feels so fucking muddy and I can’t discern what I experience from what I feel from what I fear from what I hope for. So I make lists and these help me put things where they belong and they help me take action and they help me be fucking honest and straight forward. One of my biggest fears in important conversations is not being able to convey the important things, getting lost in comebacks and feelings and defences making it nearly impossible to find the point or the solution or the clarifying factor and it all sinks to the bottom again just waiting to be stirred up, every time becoming more murky.
So much lately I’ve been feeling like good communication & conversation is about asking vs telling, so here I try to ask myself impactful and meaningful questions so I can find answers that empower me and give opportunity to the people I’m in conversation with to also ask/be asked things that can help point us all towards clarity, solution, and connection.
These are the categories my questions appear in:
what am I feeling and what is it attached to (if anything)?
what am I needing based on what I’m feeling?
what am I curious about?
what has hurt me (even if it feels really silly)?
what am I not proud of/wanting to work on/seeing in myself to take accountability for?
what are my needs at large?
what are my values?
what are my goals?
what are my non-negotiables?
Method:
Braindump
I get everything that comes out up, in point form. a feeling, a story, a need, a desire, whatever it is. I get allll of it out. I find point form in my journal or notes app is the best place, sometimes it is many pages and sometimes I find that where at first something was appearing to hurt me it was actually a behaviour I was feeling ashamed of in myself and reacting to. I think this is the most important part of this whole process because it stops everything from floating around and it doesn’t have to make sense yet. There will be things here I leave behind, things that lead to other more potent truths, some that just need to be cleared away. A lot of the time during this I am experiencing a lot of heightened emotions and find there are things I have written down that I really don’t care about or don’t agree with - this is a way better place to put them than thrown into a fight or heated conversation. The braindump is also an emotion dump, it’s a story dump, it’s a bullshit dump, it’s a defence dump.
Organize
Then I go through all of this and make different pages or categories and start to sort. Is this a feeling or a need? Is this something I need answered or something that I need to be aligned on? The categories help me figure out where I am lacking information, what is my responsibility, what is truly important to me, and helps me stay true to not just how I want to show up but what I want to get out of showing up. This doesn’t mean the exact story I have about resolution & what it looks like so much as things like wanting to feel safe and connected through a challenging conversation. What I want out of a meaningful conversation is to know that I’ve expressed myself adequately and been heard and understood in that - and vice versa. I want to be able to hold space to understand, hear, and be a safe place to hold the expressions that need to come forward.
The organizing is actually very fucking important! It makes it more clear the difference in things like wants vs needs, story vs reality. It helps to move through the conversation in a way where there is more cohesion, comprehension, and gives me solid points to go back to. It’s sort of like an essay outline where I look at all the things I want to bring to the surface. It also lets the person I’m in conversation with have access to some of my thought process - especially when it comes to what I need to take accountability for. I find this one particularly powerful because I don’t want a conversation - even when it’s emotional - to feel like blame or pointing fingers. It’s been invaluable for me to learn to admit where I want to grow, what I see myself doing and behaviours I am exhibiting. This helps me remove shame from it, and also defensiveness because I don’t feel like the other person is telling me I am being a way so much as I am recognizing alongside them - and hopefully (usually) this allows them to do the same.
I think this is also important because in the organizing process I can also fill in any gaps - as I build out the answers to these categories I can become rooted in what I want from the conversation/relationship in general and how I want to show up in it. The goals and values make it easier to remember that I have access to choice even when old patterns want to surface. It also shows me where there is a lot of focus - maybe I have a lot of different feelings, but I learn there is a common theme or thread to them. This can give me questions or things to be curious about, this can help me identify my true and relevant needs.
Pinpointing
After organizing and flushing everything out, not only do I feel like I can look at everything with more clarity but I can really find the truth behind what it is that it causing the inflammation or desire to communicate. Instead of 7 random stories about how my feelings have been hurt, I can sit with myself and really identify what it is that I need to be seen or held in. I can start to separate story from truth, truth from perspective, perspective from experience. And the things that alllll feel connected when you pick it up - like a big ball of loose threads tangled together - can get slowly teased out into workable and manageable parts. Patterns start to emerge and I can trace backwards - because you know what? So many things I feel or experience or am sensitive about are connected and originate from things that are soooo fucking olllllld!!!! SO OLD! And because they weren’t healed or expressed or seen then they are still emerging and needing care now. Something that may not seem like a big deal when you look at it singularly gets a lot more context in the bigger picture of time. It’s sort of like a version of self-therapy. This can also allow me to share the person I’m communicating with the true origin of that thing (if there is another one! Sometimes there isn’t!) which allows for vulnerability, connection, understanding. It becomes less about blame and more about comprehension - for everyone.
Solutions
Solutions are important to me. I don’t feel like I have to go into every situation or conversation with one so much as my desired outcome is to find them or create them. If we can pin-point the problem instead of the symptom then the solution will be a lot more effective. If I go into a conversation wanting a solution instead of to prove a point that’s really going to change the landscape of the conversation as a whole. Being solutions oriented doesn’t mean I’m not feeling or have it all figured out. It means I’m willing to take the time to understand and hear the other person, that I’m willing to be vulnerable and share the truth of my experience so the remedy can be the most effective, and to me solutions mean bonding. Finding or creating a solution to a problem together is creating a neurological pathway that says “we can do hard things” and “it’s safe to not be perfect with you” and “I am supported” ya know? Solutions build bridges not just in our lives and relationships but also in our brains and brain chemistry.
Creating Safe Space:
Precare
Eat. Drink some water. Have a cry or scream or tantrum or nap. Maybe a long warm shower or quick cold one. Put on some comfy clothes and remove all the sensory things that are overwhelming. I turn the music off and take all the pillows off my couch and turn off all overhead lights and get a pen colour that feels appropriate. I let the person I know I would like to have a conversation with them, and see if there is a time that works for both of us. I like to give myself space to mill about and ruminate and just let things land. Sometimes I breathe or meditate or do yoga - sometimes I don’t and just let whatever is in me pour forward. There is precare to showing up in my process and precare to showing up in conversation with someone - I like to make sure we’re in a safe place we both feel comfortable, that we’ve both eaten recently/aren’t hungry, that we have water and tissues if they are needed, that there isn’t anything pressing for time that is coming after that makes it feel like we have to rush. I don’t rush through my braindump either. Sometimes it takes a few hours - and sometimes even extended periods over a few days. If I need to talk about things I bring it to my therapist or most trusted friend - usually not for advice but just to be witnessed safely because I find this regulating and often it helps me really put away my own bullshit by knowing I’m not being judged or attacked or whatever else so I can actually allow myself to get into the necessary vulnerability of the braindump part of the process.
Aftercare
Connection is soooo vitally important to me. Even if things still feel tender or shaky I like to have a long hug. I want time to diffuse and do something nourishing together - have a meal, go for a walk, play a card game, watch something together. I used to be a person that needed to extend the seriousness of a big conversation to feel like it was legitimate and even though I absolutely hated the sense of disconnection and dissonance that can be created when we feel tender I also so badly just want to actually be closer and in a soft place with that person. I don’t want to feel I have to earn softness or care again (or that I really had to earn it at all in the first place). I think sometimes it can feel really vulnerable and therefor easy to be defensive after an important conversation but I think this comes back to the goals and values conversation and putting those things into action. It isn’t about pretending everything feels like but allowing multitudes to exist. We can feel tender and still laugh together. We can still look in each others eyes and smile and hold hands without the importance of what was said being overshadowed. I used to be a person who felt like anything serious would be overshadowed or forgotten about or forgiven without change if there wasn’t some kind of riff or continued disruption of connection after something was discussed even if the outcome was positive. I feel that was a play for power or an indication that I wasn’t actually seen or communicating what I really needed to. Aftercare is about tending to what was opened. Aftercare is about ensuring the healing is the most important part - not just the hurting. Aftercare helps build and reinforce bridges to more meaningful connections and safety. Sometimes aftercare also looks like lovingly spending time apart from each other to recalibrate. Sometimes it looks like a nap or a bath. Sometime’s it is just sitting in silence or ordering take out or laying on the floor with your feet up the wall or going for a run or a bike ride or a yoga class. I think the whole point of aftercare is to acknowledged what is needed for integration and reconnection.
General Rules
share first hand experiences vs telling the person what they have done/how they are being etc. ex “this is what I’m experiencing” instead of “this is what you are doing”
take time-outs or pauses when it is getting too heated or the “lid is flipped”
take notes when the person is talking to touch on later vs interrupting
try to hear them out until the end - often times what is being said in the beginning isn’t the point but just a part of the process
try to steer clear of talking to too many outside people about problems or challenges you haven’t brought to the person or if you aren’t clear about how you feel before sharing; always ask if you’re going to a certain person for validation or for clarity. I try to only bring things I need help figuring out to my therapist and friends who’s values align most with mine - ex: this means I’m not always going to my best friend for relationship advice because we have very different relationship values
ask if there is space to have a conversation and if possible contextualize the content of it so they can make an informed decision/be ready
don’t rush it - it’s okay if it takes a couple of sessions to get through to a point of clarity
be in a safe space where you can feel safe to cry, take breaks, feel comfortable and aren’t in sensory overload
take accountability/responsibility for your own feelings - it doesn’t mean you aren’t recognizing when things are triggered in you, but just that your emotional landscape is your responsibility. You can communicate what you are feeling and what you need within that without putting blame or onus on the other person. Give them opportunity to also take responsibility/accountability if that feels right.
don’t agree with everything just for the sake of peace - it’s okay to not agree on everything or see things differently and still have a respectful conversation. The point should be comprehension no cohesion. Understanding each other vs mirroring each other.
prioritize breathing. especially while listening.
don’t rush! truly take your time, if you need to pause and think or recalibrate then do it! It’s better to move with integrity and care than to rush through just to get the discomfort over with
take pauses to ask how the other is feeling - you don’t need to change this or stop the conversation if the feelings aren’t wonderful but it’s just about caring for and acknowledging this during the conversation instead of just having past feelings and experiences being brought up
if you can, clarify what you hope to get out of the conversation and how you want to show up in it beforehand - ex: “I want to find a middle ground where we can both understand the others perspective and can find solutions that honour both of our needs. I want this to be a loving, compassionate, and respectful conversation where we can both feel safe to express hard things and be heard/held in that without judgement or the need to change each others perspectives”
be willing to take accountability and talk about where you are not feeling proud or want to grow as much as you are telling another person what you need. I think this is so important and underrated - for example I get really cold and emotionally shut down in emotional conversations, and I don’t like this because I am not connecting to my own needs or emotions in an authentic way and I’m also unable to receive or care for the other person. This is a defence mechanism I have, so ultimately I want to work on being defensive in challenging moments when I want to be open and vulnerable.
take time to talk about what you’re scared or worried about, I think this can be really regulating because often we’re scared we will be judged or shunned or lose a relationship or something. Sharing this can humanize us and make us realize that we’re all scared of something, and possibly find reassurance in that as well. Sharing our fears can be intimate and scary, but it’s also really powerful and allows us to actually lay the defences around that fear down
don’t apologize if you’re not truly sorry or don’t know what you’re sorry for. I try to make apologies with the “I’m sorry for ________ this is what I can do to change/improve this” formula. It is accountable and actionable and lets the person know we’re not apologizing to feel better or absolve ourselves but truly from a place of recognition for growth that feels authentic vs forced
try to end it with positive things: this is what I really love about you, thank you for hearing/witnessing/loving me in this, I appreciate the time we took to have this, I am feeling safe in our connection, this is what I can commit to doing, these are things I’m going to work on, this need was really met in this conversation, I appreciate xyz about you/this/us
Ultimately, having conversations - even positive and affirming ones - can be really challenging. I am suuuuch a thinker of my feelings so I can find when I’m FEELING my feelings that it is overwhelming. Even speech vs writing - I would often rather write but so much gets lost in translation especially the vulnerability of true connection. This list feels so big and like so much work in a way, and I want to say that this is a layered thing. Not all conversations will require this, some of these things are natural or given elements! Some of us are better equipped to have conversations in meaningful ways, all of us have different needs, and all of us really just want to feel safe at the end of the day. I find for myself I need a lot of time and I’d rather talk about a looooot of different things all at once because for me everything is connected and it feels more sustainable that a lot of little conversations. But for some people this is overwhelming and it becomes way too much to handle. Overall, conversation is more about listening and asking than telling. My favourite question in conversation is “what do you need me to ask you right now? What do you need from me to feel cared for and valued?” because we’re not mind readers and we can’t know everything but we really can learn so much and it’s invaluable to try.
What are your big conversation tips and methods? What do you find challenging? Impactful? Easeful?