Secrecy VS Privacy

Don’t get me wrong we all love a good secret - and what’s interesting to me is that when I contemplate it and discuss it with people it seems that it’s not even our own secrets that we like so much as the secrets of others.

What we do value and love however, is privacy, which was recently quoted to me in a way that shifted my perspective on it.

“Privacy is the power to selectively reveal oneself to the world” - A Cypherpunks Manifesto, 1993

Before I dive into this more, I want to do my classic what in our language does this literally mean and how is this distinction really fucking important to our understanding.

Secrecy, by definition, is something not meant to be known or seen by others.

Privacy on the other hand is a state or condition of being free from observation or being disturbed by others.

Which to me says that secrecy is more the essential nature of something needing to be hidden and privacy is the desire to be unwitnessed, which in our modern age of online media becomes more challenging and comes at a higher cost. We equate privacy with secrecy, which is to say that when we find that people we feel we know or are used to believing we know things about put up a boundary around what we know or how we know it we assume there is a secret - that there is something that cannot be seen instead of something we wish to keep from disruption. The idea of privacy being about sanctity, about peace, about keeping things still or undisturbed is so different than the notion that something can’t be brought to light.

Often when we assume something cannot be seen instead of will benefit from not being seen we impose a darkness upon it. There is something about a secret that is tantalizing because it indicates something we can find in the dark or unknown places. To know a secret is to have access to the code, to know where the light switch us, to have access to striking the flame. There is something ancient feeling about a secret, even when it is fresh and modern. Something to uncover. Privacy however feels like there is more risk involved - specifically the risk of denying people with what it is that they have chosen to construct to protect themselves. Uncovering a secret feels like an act of protection towards the self, where crossing the lines of privacy feels like denying another the protection they have constructed around themselves.

Privacy is a form of protection. It is a boundary, an acknowledgement, and also a maturity to recognize what it is that is for us, for others, and who truly benefits from what information. Our collective notion around privacy is usually linked deeply to the idea that we need to protect ourselves; that in revealing something there is a danger. And truthfully there is a danger to revealing too much of ourselves to the world - specifically online. We are constantly under attack from the prying eyes and minds of those who wish to know themselves through us, from those who gain a sense of self from projecting into us and on the flip side those who also feel threatened in their sense of self when there is something revealed that doesn’t feel aligned. This links us to cancel culture (which I think is the opposite of restorative justice, where we give people - and ourselves - the opportunity to grow and change through education, patience, conversation, context, etc. Basically the notion of how can we expect people to grow and change if no one is willing to teach or give them a chance to do such) and how one keeping a secret often means something tantalizing; that there is something juicy for us to engage with whether its positive or negative. That it is secret because it would be a danger for others to know; not a danger to others but to the self.

So I guess what I’m trying to get at is that we have an engrained notion in our society that secrets equate to danger, and privacy equates to mystery. We expect that everyone will want to reveal themselves as good and worthy and whole if they are truly good, worthy, and whole. Why put up walls or barriers if you’re not interested in being validated by the public, and why not be interested in being validated by the public if you don’t have something to hide?

I think that is the common denominator between these two ideas, that ultimately there is something to hide or protect. And truthfully in a world that strives on judgement and makes money off our deepest insecurities, why wouldn’t we want to hide and protect ourselves? Why would we want to expose the most pure and tender parts of ourselves to the excruciating nature of modern day judgement?

If we look at how online culture has been shifting in recent years you might notice there are a lot more people posting and talking about the not-so-pretty parts of their life and existence. We have the bell lets talk bullshit, we have more people crying and “being cringe” - and don’t get me wrong I’m here for this. But there is something about it that still feels contrived. Like if we expose these parts of ourselves then they are not secret and cannot be held against us. Instead we are keeping the most nourishing and beautiful parts of our lives private. We are holding what is cultivated and tender close to the heart, opting instead to take what was previously secret and flip the script so that what we are ashamed of can no longer be held against us and what is sacred to us can remain untainted and judged by the public eye.

I think a great example of this is when you start dating someone new. You might have photos and memories and mementos stored away of your time together; private moments just for you. Perhaps your closest friends know but you also don’t want to jinx it. You don’t want to give this away to the online piranhas of judgement and clap-back and cancel culture. “Didn’t she just break up with someone?” “Didn’t so and so do this and that to whoever?” “It’s probably fake or contrived or maybe they were cheating because how could it happen so fast.” And in this way we really walk the line between privacy and secrecy, wondering what and when certain parts of our lives are safe to share to the world and when we just want what is truly ours to be undisturbed by others.

Part of my contemplation of these things is when does keeping something private or secret impede upon the expression of our joy? I don’t just mean posting something online, but holding hands in public or changing your title on linked-in or the gender on your instagram. When did sharing our joy, having things to be joyous about, become a risk to us to analyze? When did the cataloguing and living of our lives become intertwined with exes on social media and who we might see in the street? And, does this take away from the authenticity of a moment - can we exist in this world and in this timeline without in some way being conscientious of how we are being observed and how that observation holds up against us as a person. Will it ruin our social standing? Our job opportunities? Our relationships that weren’t in the inner circle of the secret or privacy or whatever it is you want to call it?

As I contemplate these things, I can’t say for certain that I have answers. But I do know that I believe secrets actually keep the light inside of us. That privacy is in fact a superpower and that what we choose to share and how to share it can rarely adequately speak to the magic of the entirety of our existence. I do believe that we can share with integrity, trust, truth, and passion without revealing all of ourselves to the potential danger exposing ourselves poses. I do believe there is an intersection between secrecy, privacy, and expression that allows us to be ourselves in the world without exposing ourselves. Some of it lays in asking “why do I want to share this?” or even better “why am I afraid to share this?” which I think is a much more common thought in the current epidemic of the internet where everything is expected to be perfectly curated and cultivated and show only the shiniest parts of ourselves while still remaining authentic.

This contemplation, while wordy, has been a huge part of how I have developed my relationship with not just my online presence but my worldly presence in general. In what ways can I make the deepest part of myself feel the most safe, seen, and held through what I choose to share and not share? What is the difference between sheltering and hiding? Between cultivation and curation?

Alas, I feel this will be something I come back to again and again but I leave you with the idea that secrets are safe to harbour, privacy is a sacred right, and we can live in the intersection between radical honesty and radical privacy all at once - which to me is the sweet spot I’m always searching for.