POV: I Am Writing You A Letter N°3

Hi,

I’m doing it again. The holding on in a way I know I shouldn’t. When I moved here I called that chapter of my life the “one thousand hands” - a recognition of all I hold onto and the ways it holds me back. The way that grasping made me tired.

I guess I shouldn’t say doing it again, so much as I feel it again - those urges. But also the utter unavailability for me to act on it. Having to redirect.

So that is really what I’m doing again - releasing, massaging out the clenched places in me, returning to myself. It starts with movement, then sleep, then how I spend my days and what my fridge looks like and even my bank account. I start reading again and I keep writing a lot and there is so much clarity in my energy because all I want to do is anything but scratch the itch that’s been ravaging in me for the last year. A quelling, a quieting. Remembering all of the things I say to everyone else and believing them but also finding sometimes the reprieve in them takes a while to kick in.

“If it’s not a “yes”, it’s a '“not right now” or “I have something better” - rarely does the universe say outright no. And I like this, it is a hopeful but practical way to engage with this idea of non-attachment. Another I read recently “I don’t lose anything or anyone because I don’t own anything or anyone. We all belong to the universe and it is just returning to that source.”

What things have I held onto? Oh love and alarm clock times and one sock who’s pair is at my bestfriends place a 5 hour drive away and I haven’t seen since September 2023 but… I know I will retrieve it. Along with my whiting and davis purse. memories of all the things I’ve lost. Something kept from each significant lover, clothes I don’t need and products I’m not using and things said - so many things said. from me and to me. I hold onto each feeling and the memory if its reverb. I hold onto single moments in ticket stubs and receipts with angel numbers and the strange momentos of life in business cards and fortune cookie slips.

But I am not tired now as I am not grasping now. That was what I really wanted to say, I’m not grasping I am listening. I read something in my human design chart last night about being a gifted listener and I think we can so easily turn that inside out - listening to the world. Which I do, but to not forget to listen inward too. Sometimes our notion of what a listener really is intimidates us from truly being it - which is that usually we feel that a listener has to be a responder. We have to be hearing what is said but also gathering something to give from within ourselves, when really just the space to be heard is the truest gift given here. To give that space to myself, with all my empty hands, holding onto the arena of not-responding and not-reacting, but instead just witnessing. Just living with. To just listen is so efficient, because sometimes the listening is actionable.

My response is a resistance to what I truly hear. I am learning to let myself witness - to alleviate the responsibility of control.

I bought pastels. I haven’t used them yet but I think I might tonight. I started digitizing my deck. I have been writing and writing my pages and poems and notes and here, too, to you.

I start pottery classes next week!!! I go to yoga and I flow and I listen to my body. I am reading a lot. I am also scrolling a lot - and noticing where that is taking me right now. I have been smoking weed but loving it and the way it is letting me show up and pour myself out onto the page and into my life and through my world. It doesn’t feel oppressive like it used to but I still feel wary of myself with it - tracking my thoughts and behaviours with it more closely. I am having fun getting dressed and doing 100 creative things. I am building community and working one day a week as a barista! Everything in my life feels so me right now. Do you know what I mean? When it all lines up to just be so exactly you and the essence of the life you’ve built for yourself… I love it here right now. I love being with myself and my own rhythm and what it feels like to receive from myself - how vibrant my world becomes. When I let myself run in on my own energy.

There is such reprieve in listening. I feel everything simplifying.

Loving you,

Fo