How To Make Love
I don’t mean in terms of sex, although that is a part of making love. I mean love as in something we cultivate, love as in something we grow and nurture, love as in something that belongs in our hands and hearts and hearths. Making love is simple and intricate and delicate and fortifying. It is a game, a map, a listening, a curiosity, an experiment, a continuous lesson.
How To Make Love (A Non-Exhaustive List in No Particular Order)
share your secrets and keep their secrets
know that trust is more of an earned thing than a felt thing, and track evidence of it
cultivate an inner library of inside jokes
laugh together in general
find the things you are both (all) angry about
ask if they need a glass of water
pick a flower and give it to them
pick a flower and give it to a child, sharing in the joy of awe and delight that comes from this
get ice cream and try each others flavours
try the flavours of all the things together, actually - drinks, dinners, desserts, delicacies
write poems and tell them you wrote a poem and share the poem you wrote
if you can, speak the poem out loud instead of just handing it over
send memes and photos and videos and tiktoks saying “this is u” or “this is us”
every once in a while pretend you do not know them at all and ask questions you think you know the answer to
listen to their stories, especially their favourite ones which they will tell you of several times. never tell them they’ve already told you
tell your favourite stories even if you know you’ve told it
name a plant after them
make a friendship bracelet in their colours, or in your colours
tell them you like their outfit even if you like every single outfit
tell them you like their haircut even if its a bad hair cut
make a playlist to send to them; share it with them to add to it; listen to it when you’re together
stop in the middle of a place when there is music and dance - the kitchen, the street, the metro, the bar
if you are using a cosmetic ask if they want some, even if they always say no
make a meal with them, for them. go shopping for it together. scour the cupboards together. experiment and laugh at what goes wrong
cut off a piece of your plant and propagate it and give it to them in a little glass jar
ask if they want ice in their water
if you get caught in the rain take a moment to not run away but really be in it
hold hands, link arms, touch feet and knees and toes and noses
really look them in the eyes, every time you see them as often as you can
repeat the truth as many times as you feel it “you are exquisite” “you are brilliant” “you are tender” “you are inspiring” “you are caring” “I feel loved by you”
allow yourself to be totally overwhelmed by moments of fear
allow yourself to be totally overwhelmed by moments of gratitude
go on an adventure; by car or bike or foot or plane
share your dreams even when they make no sense
share your dreams even when they feel far away
when you realize they are your best friend take them out somewhere special and look them in the eyes an tell them “you are my best friend, I love you and trust you”
allow them to see your road rage
allow them to see your rage in general
when they ask if you need anything, genuinely tell them what you need
when they ask if you want anything, genuinely tell them what you want
share your favourite movies and TV shows and music with them - even if they don’t like it, they will know you
pay attention when they show you their favourite things, even if you don’t like it you will know them
learn how they make the bed
learn how they like their pillows arranged
learn their favourite dip for fries and when you order together make sure it comes with it
double, triple, quadruple and infinitely text them. the limit does no exist. there are no rules.
ask them how they are feeling and when they say “good” say “good isn’t a feeling” and then be with them while they find the real answer
help them move
help them organize
help them make a mess when that is necessary too
braid or cut or dye their hair with them
try on every pair of sunglasses at the kiosk together
go thrifting and ask them what they are looking for, pull things that remind you of them
carry their tote bag for a while
learn your love language and tell them
learn their love language and show them
make some very ugly art together
find their pinterest and look at the evolution of who they have become, what they like, what they’ve grown out of
listen to the ways they have been loved before, the things other people have known about them and that they’ve learned through it
be grateful for every person that loves them, too
take secret pictures of their butt
take secret pictures of them in general
make a list in your phone of their favourites - beers, bars, games, treats, books, artists
when they are doing that thing they do when they are nervous or stressed or overwhelmed just gently put a hand on them
give really long, heart to heart hugs
breathe together
know their dominoes pizza order and when they get home late or you’re coming home from the bar secretly order it
listen to the way their voice changes when they talk to different people, in different settings, in different roles, in different languages - start to know who they are by how they talk
bake them a cake for their birthday even if you are not very good at baking
go to the park for a picnic and fall asleep next to each other
allow yourself the pleasure and pandemonium of staying out all night together
say “I’m proud of you” and mean it
have the courage to be honest with them even when it is scary
put a picture of them in their phone contact
share whatever premium account you have with them - netflix, spotify, crave
tell them your email from when you were a kid and laugh at how much it is still them