Fake Conversations N° 4

This one feels a little harder to write, as it isn’t just a conversation I wish I could have but also the way I wish a conversation would have gone. A conversation I wish I had the desire or will to fulfill. I do not feel that bravery here is lacking for me so much - it is more a grieving, an acceptance, an understanding.

The Backstory

A few weeks ago a friend I’ve had for nearly 14 years very unceremoniously, and without actually saying it, ended our friendship. It was something inevitable, as I had been talking for months about how I didn’t feel our values aligned or like I was even enjoying my time with her anymore. In a way, I’m sad that I’m not more sad. The things that I am sad about are not the explosion itself but what has happened in the after-shock. Something that feels all to familiar and all too numbing. As it is with friends and friend groups, it seems that there is inevitably a part of the population that simply doesn’t out grow the need to take sides. Maybe there is safety in this, maybe there is truly just a way of thinking or perceiving that I cannot understand. It seems to me though, that sometimes no matter the connections you make with people as individuals there is so much safety in the group setting that it’s easy to disregard a single for a whole.

Now, I think I would respect it more if often these individuals had the integrity and respect to actually say it. To say “Yes, I am picking sides. No, I have not heard yours. It doesn’t matter, the choice isn’t about logic or connection but about social self-preservation.” I would respect it more if when I texted they would not pretend that things were fine or normal or that maybe we would hang out again soon or that there wasn’t this overhanging shadow of someone else’s story over our interactions. I’ve taken it upon myself lately to not assume I am a mind-reader; even when I very well know what is happening I try to act from a place of hope, of best case scenario, and give people the benefit of the doubt. To give them an opportunity to show me how they really want to appear, perhaps this is because I would wish the same. That what it is I have shown through my actions instead of what has been portrayed through another persons perspective would hold up as its own sturdy version. I feel that we need many true things to create a whole truth. I find it challenging when people act in a way that indicates to me a disregard for truth as a whole.

Before this particular non-conversation, we had had a fight in December. I don’t really know what even constitutes as a fight anymore - do both sides need to be playing in it? Is it one angry person? Two angry people? Is it a fight if one person is saying “you cannot talk to me this way” and the other is saying “watch me”? It just doesn’t feel quite like the word I’m looking for. December was the beginning of the dissolution. December was the beginning of the unravelling, the unveiling, the desensitization to the collision of two realities that were not to merge for much longer.

The high and low of this dissolution was really about made up stories - about one person taking the image of something and spinning it out within themselves and their actions until it was an all-consuming mass taking over every thought, interaction, and rationality. The further from the truth it got, the harder it became to reconcile the differences between the fears that were being projected into this story and the inherent truth of it. It is always strange to me when someone takes on something that has nothing to do with them, should have no affect on them and takes it as their own. For months I had been watching as this story pushed us apart, not understanding at all what was happening or why. For months I tried to reach across the chasm of this misunderstanding and when finally there was a touch-point made, it was on a landmine that seemed specifically planted for my arrival. Everything took a very MSN-in-2008 turn and all rational, respectful communication was thrown out the window.

The argument was this: I do not like your boyfriend, and it hurts me that you still like your boyfriend even when I am telling you I do not like your boyfriend. You are not letting me protect you from your boyfriend and because of that I hate you. It doesn’t matter that what I do not like and what I am protecting you from are not true, irrelevant to me, and that I am actually hurting you in the process. Because I am your bestfriend, and we are girls, we should be living by girlcode and you should be trusting my hatred in him at face value because clearly you are blinded by love.

We have an intense and long conversation after weeks of separation. It’s in a cafe and there is a lot of crying and some almost-raised voices and I am 8, 12, 16 all over again. I am these things inside - outside I am statuesque. Outside I am annoyingly calm and collected. Outside I am using therapy terms and setting my boundaries and probably not showing enough that I really want this - enough to bend over backwards for it - because I am not really sure if I want it. I am asking myself here “what do I really get out of this?”. But it is 14 years of friendship, and I am painfully committed to giving everything my absolute most to ensure that I can feel satisfied with my efforts at the end. So we talk about what we need and I listen as carefully as I can without acquiescing my own perspective and we tell each other what we need from each other and we try.

So when someone really hates you, it becomes challenging to want to engage with them. To have compassion. To really want to try at all or to see the good in them. When you are attacked in your character and morals and values based off false evidence or twisted stories or misaligned needs its natural to become protective and defensive of yourself. It’s completely normal to write that person off, to not wish to be their friend.

As such, when you really hate someone, it becomes challenging to see the good in them. To look beyond your own inner dialogue. To want them to be more complex and human than your perspective allows. It is normal to use anything as evidence, to twist things in your own regard, to take what isn’t yours or about you and use it as another piece to weigh against them. Maybe we want them to prove something, admit something. Perhaps we think if they really were not worth hating, or didn’t feel that the accusations were correct then maybe they would defend themselves or play nice or act in a way we think is normal, apologetic, yearning for connection.

In my experience it is not very useful to defend or explain yourself against someone who did not allow you the space to do that in the first place. It is not productive or often safe to push yourself into a space where you are vulnerable towards someone who has been vehement towards you. So it is reasonable to understand that after all of this, my partner was not impressed to say the very least. And at the most, was feeling disgusted, misunderstood, and fucking angry about what had unfolded on behalf of a story about him that had spun out of control. That had begun to affect his own relationships with people related to my bestfriend (and for context, she is dating his bestfriend of 20 years. Its all very intertwined).

Both of them make the effort they need to be able to put all of this away as peacefully as possible. But it simply doesn’t end. In subtle ways she starts telling me more “information” about him, tugging on my own insecurities and fears and blindly misusing stories in an effort to “protect me” from some inevitable pain with him. These things are not only violent emotionally in their nature, but are also evidence of ruins in the trust between my partner and his bestfriend; my bestfriend and me. Things told in confidence, then relayed carelessly and disfigured to become ammunition.

So we talk some more. We talk about boundaries and differences in values and what I actually need to feel safe in a relationship. I talk to both of them about not being the middle ground for each others disdain for each other. I essentially, tell them both in ways they will both understand, to grow up. Figure out what they want to do. Not use me as a liason for understanding each others actions. Do what they need to feel safe and secure - not by the performance standards of society and not because they have been told they have to act a certain way. Just find a way to be civil, and a way to not make me the collective dumping ground for something that is actually not about me at all.

The Conversation

One Saturday I get a text.

“Why did he unfollow me on instagram?”

To me, I think this is reasonable. I am thinking “because you’re not fucking kind to him? Because you’re not friends? Because it literally doesn’t matter? Why are you even looking at this? Why do you care?”

So I say something like

“I don’t know, I’m not him. If you want to know you should ask him. I’ve respectfully asked both of you to not involve me in these matters anymore”

To which she responds

“Okay I’ll figure it out.”

I don’t really know what that means. You’ll figure out how to deal with it? You’ll figure out why? You’ll figure out how to navigate this while respecting my boundaries? You’ll figure out why this is so important to you?

And what I wish I had said was, “do you want to call me? I want to understand why this is important to you and how you’re feeling.”

What I also wish I had said was “this is so fucking stupid, can you please fuck off”

And what I also wish I had said was “ but I’m still following you and isn’t that what really matters here if who’s following who is what’s of concern?”

I wish I had said “why are you looking at this?” or “honestly it makes sense because you’re not really his friend and you’re serving cunt to him 24/7” or “social media literally does not matter but if this is making you feel something then maybe that indicates something more important.”

But I didn’t say any of that, I just let her figure it out. And I don’t regret it but I don’t not regret it either, ya know?

So all of these things, this whole situation spanning over months, gets me thinking. I am thinking about gender roles, I’m thinking about friendship roles, I’m thinking about rules and archaic social contracts and what it is we do to feel safe even when we’re not actually acting in ways that are safe for us. I’m trying to really understand it not as someone who is outside of it looking in on it, but as someone who is really fucking in it. And I can, but also I can’t. I can’t let go of just how fucking bananas it all is. And so I post a little threads talking about how archaic it is that we still follow the social norms of girl code and boy code, of how harmful it is not just to the individual but also to the collective. They are good thoughts and I like the conclusions I’ve come to which is basically that it’s all out-dated and doesn’t really make sense and I don’t agree with it and will never be a “for the girls-girl” because I think it’s stupid even though I am for the girls, and the theys, and the boys, and the everyone. I’m just for people - in equality. I’m for treating people equally. I’m for treating people with integrity and thoughtfulness and evolution.

So on Sunday, I get a text screen-shotting these threads with something along the lines of “why would you post this? I never said you had to like me over your boyfriend”

to which I reply something like “If I genuinely meant to say that to you, I would have. There is enough evidence that when I need to talk to you, I will. These were inspired by some of our conversation but they weren’t aimed at you.”

“yes they were”

“no they weren’t” (but if the shoe fits!!!!!)

So I start getting many messages, which is giving me flashbacks to December, and I respectfully ask if we can stop texting about it. If there is a time during the week when we can meet up and talk; so we can take time to think about what’s going on, to not talk in such an activated state, because I don’t have the space to be fully present in it right now, (because I was driving, because I was on my way to meet someone) because I’m scared all my boundaries are going to be crossed again, because I can feel the storm lingering in the space between us crackling with the impending lightning.

“I don’t want to text about this. It’s never good. Is there a time next week we can get together to talk about it?”

“I don’t want to talk to you in person, you don’t value me in person”

Eventually I just stop responding. I do not respond to this last message. Partly because it is so specifically hurtful, partly because it is simply not true, partly because it feels like a manipulation - a person who knows you for over a decade knows you well. They know how to get under your skin, they know how to get you to react. And sometimes when a person reacts it feels like they care. It feels like they are willing to go through the emotional distress to meet with you. Except I’m not really like that anymore. I’m actually not willing to do that, I’m not willing to be bullied or spoken down to or verbally accosted or to have a pre-teen level typing bitch fight. And I don’t feel I should have to be because there aren’t people in my life who really request that of me. I don’t feel I should have to because I’ve grown out of it, and I want mature and respectful conversations even in hard things. I have evidence in my life that this is possible.

There came a point in my life, quite recently actually, where I stopped using where I had gotten in my healing as an anchor point to pull the people I love towards. I stopped doing it so that I could teach it, exemplify it, and started doing it because I really believed and felt deserving of healing for myself on my own terms. I wasn’t afraid anymore that if I wasn’t doing the work then no-one else would either. I realized there was no one pulling me along; it wasn’t my job to pull anyone else. In short, I was doing my healing for a long time in the hopes that it would heal those around me. This…. doesn’t work. I’m not here to assume when someone is broken or needs to be fixed or wants to make change or is ready to stop with their own bullshit. We need to come to these things on our own, and I don’t want my motivator to be seeing all the ways people I love weren’t holding up to a standard I had created. I just needed to fit my own standard.

So that’s the thing then - I have a standard. A standard is different than an expectation. A standard must be fulfilled for there to even be an expectation. It’s the baseline. It’s the “you must be this tall to ride” of my life and you must be this tall so that we can all stay safe. Meeting your own standards can be fucking hard, but overtime it does get easier. Things do fill out. There are more than enough people tall enough to ride, and everyone has the ability to grow. It’s neutral. A standard is not a projection of an evaluation. My standard doesn’t say “this is good and this is bad". It just says “this is the requirement”.

Part of my requirement in this relationship was to not text about important things. We can call, we can meet in person. But we do not text. This wasn’t being met or respected so I stopped responding because I needed to be aligned with my own standard.

I wish I had said “I’m sorry you feel I don’t value you in person, can you explain to me when you’ve felt that way and what I’ve done to make you feel that way? I want to understand your perspective.” or “This feels really charged right now, so I understand if you don’t feel safe to meet in person but I don’t feel safe texting about it. Is there a middle ground?” or “what are you hoping to get out of this right now? What is your goal for this conversation?” (because it doesn’t seem like you want to understand, it seems like you want to be hurt. It doesn’t seem like I don’t value you in person, it seems like you actually aren’t aligned with my values)

But I didn’t say any of that, I just stopped responding and then I stopped getting messages.

A couple of hours later I get a text that is, in short “I just want you to know I will always love you and wish the best for you and I hope that one day you have space for me in your life again.”

And I’m like….. this is a break-up text.

I respond with something like “I do have space for you in my life, me setting a boundary around our communication and not having space for this conversation in this moment isn’t about not having space. I love you and wish the best for you too. I want to be honest and say that in this, it feels like you’re looking for an apology for something that I frankly don’t feel sorry about. I stand by what I said in those threads and I AM sorry that you are feeling hurt by it, and I know that isn’t my responsibility. This seems like a break-up though so I would appreciate it if there was some clarity around that.”

Then there was nothing.

Nothing anywhere. No text back. Blocked on all social media. No messages in any group chats. I didn’t realize this for a couple of days, and when I did I felt numb.

I wish I had said “if you’re breaking up with a 14 year friendship by text without actually saying that you’re doing that, this is the exact fucking reason we are breaking up!!!!”

Or “I really wish we could call or talk about this in person because it feels like it’s grown way out of proportion.” or “can you just stop being so fucking dramatic and cut the bullshit and tell me what it is you are expecting of me here? Because it feels like you’re setting me up to fail, it feels like you’re trying to prove your worthiness in my life through how willing I am to bend my rules for you. It feels like you would be happier if I had no self-respect, if I listened to everything you said, if you were a god-figure in my life on some untouchable tier of friendship and I let what you wanted for me be the intrinsic factor of what I want for myself!”

I wish I had said “I know you feel that you love me, but you don’t act in a loving way towards me. I know you say you wish the best for me, but what you show me is that you wish what you believe the best for me to be and are constantly trying to steer me in a direction that feels good for you like all last autumn when you told every single person we met that I am a stylist when I’m actually a poet, and told them I was working for people I had met once, and used my free labour for advancing your own career. I actually don’t feel that you love me or respect me or wish the best for me, and I know this because there are people in my life who do love me and respect me and wish the best for me and it is unselfish and whole and easeful and frankly you are none of those things.”

I wish I had called and texted her a million times and showed up at her door and made her say to me, to my face, “I do not want to be your friend anymore.” I wish I had a recording of it. I wish that every single person who she immediately ran to and told some half-assed story about what a shitty friend I am because I wouldn’t talk to my boyfriend about why he unfollowed her on instagram or that I refused to apologize for a general statement taken way too personally could read through a play-by-play of all our texts, of all our conversations between each other. I wish they could see inside of all of it and have the courage to make up their own conclusions and not be fed it by someone who has a chokehold on their careers and social lives.

I wish that who I have actually shown myself to be through action, through conversation, through individual relationships would be more valuable than a hurt persons story shared only to validate their own feelings. I wish I hadn’t been a fool in thinking that I would be treated differently than anyone else, and I wish more than anything that I didn’t harbour so much fucking pettiness in me about it all. I wish I didn’t care, I wish I didn’t feel isolated or lonely, and I wish that I didn’t feel the first thing I would ever say to her if I saw her again was “go to hell” or “don’t even fucking look at me” or the worst, nothing at all.

Some things I didn’t put in here, aside from what I wish I had said, was what I wish was said to me.

I wish she had said “I am projecting my own shit onto you and your relationship” or “I’m scared that we are growing apart” or “I am so fixated on this and I can’t seem to stop and I know it isn’t all true or my perspective isn’t right but can you help me understand something?” or “I’m sorry I said you don’t value me in person, I know that isn’t true but I wanted your reaction and response and to feel important to you so I did what I knew how and it backfired.” or even “Honestly, I just don’t want to be your friend and I am looking for reasons and excuses but thats the truth of it and in that I also don’t want people I consider MY friends to be friends with you either so please expect to be quietly exiled from everything we do together while I rally harder than ever to make plans with everyone that you not cannot be invited to so I can socially isolate you to preserve my own false sense of power that I didn’t get from our own conversation”

I wish she had said “I am being immature and I am scared and there are things in my own life and relationship I can’t look at and I don’t understand your rules or boundaries and when you get hurt I don’t want to be there for it even though I do want to say I told you so and yes I really do believe I know what is best for you because I am very good at not truly listening to you and I actually care more about my own being right than I care to truly care for you because that’s all I’ve learned so far and it feels too confronting to learn anything else”

I wish I had gotten an “I know that you can see through me and that I am purposefully trying to hurt myself through you in proving that I am not worthy of forgiveness by treating you in ways you have specifically told me not to because I am really needed to feel special and I don’t know how else to do that other than chaos and drama because I was forged by it.”

And any of these things, if there was any real notion of truth or recognition or admittance or understanding I would have said “of course I forgive you. I will always forgive you. Lets get coffee and sit in a park and be really honest and vulnerable with each other.”

But because I feel manipulated and bull-shitted and fucked with and used an exhausted and numb, I will forgive silently. I will forgive without word or action to indicate it, and I will forgive because it is my right to forgive. And I will also never forget because I am for the evolution of patterns, not the repeating of them.